What to Do with MIXED Feelings
Every once in a while, I get questions about how to navigate having more than one feeling at the same time (example: feeling bittersweet about moving out of state for a new job).
Considering that even birthdays or holiday seasons aren't always full of joy and other warm, gushy feelings, many of us might struggle with knowing what to do when "dark" feelings come up when things "SHOULD" be "good."
Emotions around relationships can be complicated as they are, but we can make it harder on ourselves by judging ourselves for having feelings we "SHOULDN'T" have.
Loving someone and having feelings of anger, hurt, etc. towards them are not mutually exclusive. Both emotions (love + anger) point to different needs you have (to value the loved one + to value yourself).
You can love someone by wanting good for them while also not putting yourself in harm's way if they're mistreating you.
Here's a short video about what to do about mixed emotions!
Transcript
A question I get sometimes is, what do I do about mixed feelings? If I have more than one feeling and seems to pulling me in different directions, the way that we go about is not too different from how we deal with one single emotion. In that, we understand each emotion is telling us something about some need or want we have.
And so, a straightforward example is let’s say a person is feeling frustrated because their printer isn’t working. The actual need is for the printer to work out well.
When it comes to mixed emotions, we have some situations where someone gets hired for a new position where they have to move to another state. By the time that the goodbye party comes around it’s bittersweet, in that you’re excited for this new adventure ahead but you’re also sad because you can’t stay connected with some of the things that really matter to you; some of the people that really matter to you.
So bittersweet is an example of there being joy and sadness at the same time. They’re not mutually exclusive.
The sweet part speaks to how there are some good things coming ahead and the need to be satisfied in your desires. To see those dreams or things that matter to you be fulfilled.
The bitter part of it is acknowledging that the people, the places, the things that you’re leaving behind also matter to you. But you don’t have a ready connection to them as you used to. You might still be able to travel back and visit people but the reality is that there’s not going to be that ready access.
So there are two feelings at the same time, not mutually exclusive, they just point to different needs. The need for sadness is usually around reconnection and touch in some manner.
So how do you navigate having mixed feelings?
The big thing is that you consider yourself a wise leader in a big community. In this community there are lots of different people and each person has different needs that are vying for your attention.
Ideally, if we were limitless and had all the time, energy, and resources in the world we could instantly meet everyone’s needs, no problem. Alas, that’s not the case we do have to make some judgement calls. And so a wise leader who does care about everyone in that community says,
‘What is the most urgent / essential need here? Let’s do triage.’
So let’s say in a situation where you go to a friend’s baby shower and you have some experiences with miscarriage or difficulty getting pregnant. You can feel super excited for your friend while also feeling really grieved about your own losses. And sometimes people might judge themselves for feeling negative feelings around a joyous occasion.
So instead of judging yourself, you consider, ‘I know I’m feeling pained about this but I’m really also happy for my friend too.’ So in that moment the more urgent thing is for you to fully show up for your friend as best you can, in ways that seem very congruent and that you can show up with integrity. You just say a quick hello, give your friend a hug, and then if you do need to duck out, that’s no problem. You can mingle with some other people but you do all this while acknowledging that you can have more than one feeling at the same time.
After the baby shower is over you call up another good friend or someone that knows and cares about you well and then you have a chance to untangle through some of the mixed feelings you felt, like pain, grief, loss things like that.
Having mixed feelings is NOT a problem…but what you do in response might be.
So in a nutshell again, if you have mixed feelings, it’s not a problem because you are a very complex, multidimensional being. You can have more than one need at the same time and as such you can have more than one feeling at the same time even if they are pulling in seemingly opposite directions.
The main thing in not creating an Emotional Vortex for yourself is that to make sure you don’t push any emotion aside and that you don’t shame or judge yourself for having them. It is what it is, you have that feeling whether you like it or not. It communicates that you have some needs and some wants that are not being met.
I would highly recommend that you give some good TLC to each emotion while also exercising that given our practical limitations, sometimes we just have to choose into one feeling at a time.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kid
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!